Clark Kent, super blogger

"Well, Clark Kent is leaving the Daily Planet.  Superman is resigning his day job as a reporter and going rogue, possibly as a self-employed blogger."  -- Washington PostDear Readers,Sorry I haven't blogged in a while.  Just been so so so busy.   Been full of ideas, though.  Since I haven't had time to flesh them out as full-fledged posts, though, I decided to share them in trusty list form, because, hey, lists are teh awesome.  So enjoy: CLARK'S TOP 10 BLOG POST IDEAS.1. Don't you hate it when you're wearing one complete outfit underneath another complete outfit on top, for any of the many valid reasons people do that sort of thing, and you can't get the outfit on top, the outer outfit, to fall quite right?  Your shirt's riding up in back and there are those weird wrinkles across your thighs?  And don't get me started on how wearing two complete outfits one on top of the other gets mad stuffy, yo.  Um, hello, corporate air conditioning gods, some of us are wearing two outfits at once here, a little consideration?2.  Also, when the sleeve of your underneath outfit starts sort of peeking out from under the sleeve of your top outfit and people are like, "Clark, is that your long underwear?  It's July."  *facepalm*3.  Check out this instagram of what I made for dinner last night: chicken and onion tagine with black bean quinoa.  Clark FTW!  Yo, I can't even pronounce quinoa!  But I can cook it all right.  Just four seconds under the heat ray.  Best.  Snack.  Ever.4.  Had a kerfuffle with the gf and she came out with this one: "It just doesn't seem like anything hurts you."  Hello, since when is this a bad thing?  So then I bashed myself with a crowbar, smiling all the while.  j/k, regular people like us can't do stuff like that thing with the crowbar.5.  Used to think there wasn't anything I couldn't do.  Then, just recently, I took up knitting.  WTF.  Here's a photo of my latest scarf/potholder.  I HAVE FEWER STITCHES THAN I STARTED WITH, WHAT IS GOING ON?  *headdesk*  *deskbreaks*  *buynewdesk*6.  One side effect of the rise of the cell phone that no one talks much about for some reason?  No more public phone booths means -- wait for it -- no place to change clothes wherever you suddenly need to.  Am I the only one who's noticed this?  Department store changing rooms are too far away, and the clerks there are judgey.  And public restroom stalls?  Um, yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth.7.  Hate the way, when you throw up a little in your mouth, then you're carrying around that vomitty taste.  You know the taste I mean: tastes like mossy radioactive gravel?  We've all been there.8.  Facebook.  Here's the thing.  Friends from work, okay.  Old school friends from the farm town back home, that's cool.  Your mom and dad and their friends, that's getting weird.  But when someone who actually calls himself your archnemesis -- his words, not mine -- sends you a friend request, what.  Is.  Up.  With.  That?  I'm looking at you, Lex.  #mixedsignals9.  Another thing about the cell phones: what if your outfit doesn't have any pockets, as is the case with many of the outfits one wears daily?  Am I supposed to just carry the phone around in my hand?  smh.  What if I have to get some coffee, or punch somebody?  j/k, normal people don't usually have to do punching.I said there'd be ten, huh?  Gonna have to put a pin in that, though, because my DVR is at like 97% and these back episodes of "Honey Boo Boo" aren't going to watch themselves.  In the meantime, please, comment and link; I'm still trying to figure out how to monetize this mutha.  Clark out!

God and the Case of the Huckabee Quandary

(A humble, run-down detective’s office.  Very Dashiell Hammett.  A rumpled no-nonsense P.I. slouching at his desk.  He has a long white beard.)VOICEOVER: Name’s God.  Just God.  I solve problems.  Sometimes I cause them.  It’s a mysterious ways thing, you wouldn’t get it.  But mostly?  I solve them.  People call me because I get things done.(Phone RINGS.  God answers.)GOD:  God.  Yeah.  Say again?  What kind of atrocity?  No way!  Not on my watch!(God slams down the phone, rushes out.)(God’s racing down the street.)VOICEOVER: Someone’s getting hurt?  I stop it.  Simple as that.  Nothing gets in my way.  Well.  Almost nothing.(GOD arrives at an elementary school.  Sign out front reads “PUBLIC SCHOOL.  PLEASE NO SOLICITORS OR DEITIES.”  God fidgets and paces, stymied.  Thinks about going in anyway but just can’t bring himself to.)GOD:  Aw, c’mon…!  I… hello!  Hey!  God here!  I’m out here!  I came to help!  Can I get a waiver or…?  Like a hall pass?  Something?  No?  Aw, cheese and crackers!(God back at his desk, disgruntled, idle, completing a Rubik’s cube.)VOICEOVER: Hey, what’s a guy supposed to do?  Just because I’m omnipotent doesn’t mean I can do anything I want.FIN

I could see through numbers into the future.

Post-election number-crunchin' comedy.  I helped write this, a very little bit.   

It's a 1917 Kia Samsa.

My latest cartoon from the Toledo-Lucas County Public Library blog: 

Mitticisms

Mitt Romney, wringing some savage satirical wit out of his opponent's campaign slogan this week: “Things don't feel like they are going forward. It feels more like backward.”

Some more comedy stylings from his jokewriter's notebook:

* Your mother is so fat, she is just really not skinny in the least.

* I'm trying to tell you, friend, she is so fat, she has her own wardrobe of unusually large clothes.

* Do you know the difference between black people and white people?  Yeah, it's mostly pigmentation.  Some cultural stuff too, yeah, but mostly the hue thing.  I know, right?  I'm just saying what you're thinking, friend.  Look at him, he knows it.  No, I can't really tell whether he knows it.

* Two Mormons walk into a bar, all right?  And the first one says to the second one: "Whoops!  This isn't where we intended to go at all."  And the second one says, "Right you are, Aaron!"

* What is the deal with those warehouse club stores?  They are literally nothing like my house.  Insofar, I mean, as they're smaller.

If this whole election thing doesn't go his way on Tuesday, look for his new cable special: "The Plutocrats of Comedy."